Hmm

I haven’t posted here in a while and I keep getting pestered to post something.

The thing is I don’t know if it’s relevant anymore or if I should just merge this into my main blog. In the early days, I was told keeping a journal was a good idea, but I doubt the journal idea was something quite so public, but hey, let’s keep up with the times.

The days are passing a little easier thanks to a select few (you know who you all are) and the weekends aren’t quite so unfathomable as they used to be. It helps to have something to look forward to though.

Lionel Ritchie

The people “in the know” will know Sam had Lionel Ritchie tickets and how excited she was about going, being the 80’s music lover that she is. She knew how daggy I thought it was, but that would not have stopped me going with her. So when Monday 3rd Dec came around it was not as if I was not going to go.

I was surprised. He was really good. He had a great way with the audience and had them singing duets with him. All the old stuff was there, of which I don’t want to admit I knew a fair bit of.

As for being there, well it felt wrong without her there, squeezing my hand in excitement and singing along as I know she would’ve, but lately everything feels wrong so what do I do? There were several moments when I thought what should’ve been and then the tears worked their way out.

Today I took the day off sick. I was no use to anyone, certainly not at work. I wasn’t much better at home but at least I could just let it out here.

Life sucks without her, and I still miss her desperately.

P’s

I’ve not had a good relationship with my parents since it happened, however they are oblivious to that. Actually it wasn’t the best before it happened. Sam could see it, but I thought it just was what it was.

You see they hardly ever visited. In fact, I could count the visits on one hand, in the past 12 or so years. They’d give some lame excuse about not wanting to drive in the traffic and then turn the conversation around and say “how about you come up here? we have YOUR Christmas presents waiting for you here”. As if that makes it oh so much more inviting. Since they were not getting bites out of me about visiting BFN (bum fuck nowhere), they tried it on Sam (even with the dangling bday and xmas presents) which she didn’t approve of and rightly so. Then I said nothing — now I would have told them what I thought of their ridiculous antics.

What makes it worse was they had a financial advisor down here and they would visit HIM, and their old neighbours but not me. One time they were teed up to come down but phoned the night before with a lame excuse of helping to fix someone’s roof. It came to a head the first Christmas Sam and I spent together down in our Ashwood home — they never called. They didn’t answer their phone when I called, or answered the messages I left.

Sam realised how dysfunctional and one-sided it all was. I was coming around to her way of thinking too, and since I lost my lovely Sams I’ve resolved never to visit their place in BFN. I’d like to think it’s her influence, but I’ve also become a lot less tolerant of any shit anyone feeds up. Perhaps the decision not to visit may change in the future, but I can’t see it happening anytime soon. I’d rather visit my Sis and her family an extra hours drive than drive to BFN.

So they’re coming down today. Oh joy of joys. We’ll sit around a table, drinking cups of teas and not talking about anything important. “How’s the weather? Oh we need the rain How’s the car?”. If I mention Sam, conversation finishes there, and they NEVER bring her up themselves — oh no no no. One must tip toe around such topics. When getting a bit weepy on the phone I get the “oh, I’ll let you go now”.

Life sucks today.

so crap

It’s all so crap. How can it be anything else without her to share my life with? I do stuff around the house, but why? To keep busy? What is the point of it all?

She said “don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere” when I fussed over her.

I just want her to come back. AAAERRRRRRRGHGHRGRGHRHGHGRGHRGHRHGGHRHGHGR!

As you can see, life is superiorly fucked today.

leaf day

Sam donated to the Cochlea implant programme so we got an invitation to ‘leaf day’ which is a series of presentations from Surgeons, donors and recipients of organ transplants. It was an emotional day, hearing the experiences of donor families and recipients alike.

We then went out to the cemetery which was emotional too. It’s not that I see her has out there, she’s at home with me if anywhere, it’s emotional because it just drives the message home once more.

Life still sucks without her.

just numb

Today is going to be a numb day.

Nothing will happen, and it’ll be just enough to get through the day.

On the good side of things, I have the go-ahead to fix the bike and the parts are being ordered. I see the car that caused the accident every day and I hope the inexperienced driver has her insurance company on her arse. Little consolation, but at least it’s something.

Life still sucks.

Sunday once more

Sam’s Mum flew in yesterday and I picked her up from the airport — I couldn’t help it and lost it there and then. I never used to be this person that lost it, especially in public. Having Marilyn around is good for the company, but I need to go outside if I want to cry on my own.

I worked in the garden most of this weekend. It seems to be my thing now, a friend said to me recently it can be therapeutic and I have to agree, it can even be cathartic especially when you are ripping out weeds. I also reorganised some more of the tool/garden shed.

It really bothers me that I seem to be getting so many little things done and previously I just seem to have bummed around and avoided this kind of work around the house. I know it’s not the case but it feels like that sometimes, maybe it’s because we organised it together, and we helped each other out.

I had my ups and downs today.

Life is fucked up and today I really miss her.

just fucked

It’s Thursday morning.

Another Thursday without her. She’d be going to tennis tonight and we’d be strapping up her wrist before she went. It would be my TV night where I would watch things I would choose, or do something else to fill the time.

Marilyn is coming down again on Saturday to stay for a while. Good in some ways, but sometimes I like to just be alone so I can scream.

Hopefully I’ll be getting her scoot fixed soon, with all the paperwork finally starting to sort itself out.

Life is SO fucked up today and I can’t see it getting better. I miss her every day.

An ok saturday

The secret is to keep busy. A friend came over and we got some lunch then chatted for a bit. After she left I did some gardening out in the front yard that I have been meaning to do for some time.

When I last visited my sister we installed a drip watering system for some plants she put in her front yard and that inspired me to do the same. I bought two 200L water tanks, connected them into the downpipes, and collected some water when it rained. A few weekends ago I put the drip system in the backyard but the frontyard was a bit more daunting which I finally made a start on today.

My friend suggested I’d not been feeding the adult cats enough. Bad pet owner. Clio needs her ears cleaned out. Bad pet owner.

While I was working today I had a song in my head “Don’t stand so close to me” by the Police.

Life sucks every day without my Sams

Bah to everyone and life in general

I see couples out together, shopping or just hanging out and I feel sad when I think “that used to be me and Sam” and at the same time annoyed that they’re still happy together whereas I’m destroyed, broken and devastated. It’s unfair they get to still experience it whilst my Sams is not with me.

We were happy, content and comfortable just to be in each others’ company. Perhaps we spent too much time together, but we were going to work on that and try and cultivate some other interests.

Life goes on for everyone else despite my wishes that it didn’t.

Life sucks.